Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
