I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
