i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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