help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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