I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
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Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
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I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
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