I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
