So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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