I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
