just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
