Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
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he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
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They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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