My sheets look like a crime scene.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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