i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
