She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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