i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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