Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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