I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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