im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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