Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
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after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize