This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
