i already hear my dad disowning me
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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