I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
