I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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