8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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