The brown eye won't let me do that either.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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