u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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