so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
