I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
zippers are such a cool invention
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
