me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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