WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
