did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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