I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
