my vag is so smooth its legendary
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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