I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
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Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
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My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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