my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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