mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
