I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
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