i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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