I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
