she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
