Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
