Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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