dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
