The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize