I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
