I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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