My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
