You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
On imdb the canadians say It's amazing
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
