Umm I'm too high to move.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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