a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
