we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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