You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
