Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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