apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
