i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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