She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
