I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
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